Every so often, I take time out to reflect on the things we beat ourselves up for as business owners, as people – the so-called mistakes and failures – from what I see from my clients, peers, network and in myself.
In these reflections, I keep coming back to my friend and mentor, Mel Kaario. He died suddenly last year. The loss still knocks the wind out of me. We had worked together for almost 8 years when he died, first as a client, then as a mentor, always as a friend. He was fascinated by my journey from Belfast to Portugal, and this led to him doing a similar exercise by relocating from Canada to South Korea, where his wife was from. We had promised we would meet in either Portugal or South Korea in the future, eat fresh fish and drink wine together. Sadly, mere weeks into his move, and only a short time after I spoke to him as he excitedly began the new life he had dreamed of, he died in his sleep.
I reached out to Mel in 2018 with a very simple request: Can you help me, I am floundering here. I knew he had a way of showing up just when you needed someone to tell you the truth, but to do it gently. He asked better questions than most people give answers. And one that still echoes in my head is this:
“Why does it matter to you?”
Not your clients. Not your peers. Not LinkedIn. You. At the time, I didn’t really know how to answer. Now, I feel more confident answering it and I do so in reflecting in the experiences to date. In hindsight, all these experiences that felt confusing and uncomfortable at the time, but they truly have given me more – more self awareness, more understanding, more insight; they’ve shaped my personal core values and my life in such a way I am proud of what I’ve built and continue to build – at work and in my personal life.
The ‘mistakes’ & ‘failures’ I would never take back
#1: I’ve nearly walked away from it all.
Many times I have weighed up the benefits of going back into employment and avoiding the headaches of running a business: Compliance audits, cashflow, multiple clients seeking answers simultaneously, staff performance etc. Mel taught me how to define and measure my core values, from which I could determine what route best fit my goals. I was in this business for my family and he helped me realise that it was quitting how I worked and not quitting the actual work that was the more important issue. What you do isn’t who you are, but how you do it is.
#2: I thought money would fix it.
I was setting revenue milestones and growth percentages for what ultimately was the sake of it. What I was not doing was measuring the impact on supporting costs, team management, the hours I worked and the pressure it was bringing. Mel told me: “Money’s a tool, not a truth.” It took years, but now I know what he meant. It’s a tool you can use to build a shed or a mansion – the beauty is we get to decide.
#3: I’ve failed, and I’ve hidden it.
I hired too fast and hired the wrong people. I have oversold. I have spent money on technology and marketing that delivered nothing. I was very annoyed, and almost ashamed at this, as I was advising my clients on the same processes. So I never spoke about it publicly. But Mel never judged me. He just said: “What did you learn and how did it make you feel?” That was his way. He saw the lesson before the problem. Failure is not a measure of success, and we tend to forget this as people and business owners.
#4: I bought into the hustle myth.
I definitely fell foul of the “This is the year” and “just one more push.” It was borderline burnout disguised as ambition. Mel repeatedly would ask me: “Where will this bring you in 5 years and is this what you want today”. It was the first time I felt anyone gave me permission to stop proving and start living.
#5: I’ve been lonely, even while succeeding.
I wanted a business that was 100% virtual as it would allow me to operate in a new country and experience a new culture whilst growing the business. I did love it, but quite simply, some days felt lonely as I was never in the office enjoying that normal day to day buzz. When I spoke with Mel, we’d shoot the breeze and chat through things like food, sunshine, holidays etc. It was super skilled on reflection: He created space for real conversations and the kind where I would then drop the mask. Vulnerability is a strength.
#6: I’ve envied people who seem free.
I have a friend here who works for pennies and is the happiest person I have ever met. He is in his 60s, fitter than anyone I know half his age, and a really genuinely, nice person to share time with. If you talk about someone who left the rat race this man is your definition. Mel helped me understand I could be at total ease with myself too: I just had to choose to do so. Now we live with real simplicity and balance and it is such a rewarding experience.
#7: My ambition has come at a cost.
My family has had to bear with me doing late nights catching up. Missing dinners I promised to be available for. Working right up to or even during holidays, being half there for the people who matter most. Every single coaching call I had with Mel he would remind me with very simple questions like: “How does your wife feel about that?”, “Are you and your son getting in the pool today after we speak” and “When are you going to get oysters with your wife next”. It is only when you step back and assess the impact of decisions afterwards that you learn to make better decisions going forward. We can make more money, we can make different choices, but we can do nothing about the amount of time we have.
#8: I’m still scared sometimes.
I was always scared, from the day we moved to Portugal, that business would dry up and we’d be forced to leave a life we loved. This drove my business decisions for at least 3-4 years after the move. One day Mel asked, “Has it happened yet? Well, why are you still worrying about it”. It was a profound moment. I sat back in my chair and said, “Yeah, you are right”. I have had to deal with quite a few missiles in business, and, knowing now I have the confidence in my ability to build again and again, is immense. Mel’s superpower was faith. Faith in God and Faith in the process. Even when I couldn’t believe in myself, he did.
#9. Grief has sharpened everything.
When Mel died, it all got clearer. What matters now isn’t the size of the business, but the quality of the work. Not how many clients I serve, but how I serve them. I want Nuvem9 to be a beacon of good advisory services that is known far and beyond and touches people in meaningful ways. That is how I am meeting my core values. My Mother-in-Law also passed away last year, and I supported my wife through her grief and loss. What I do now in business has my wife’s needs also front of mind; I am there for her 100% and not just in the time I have available outside of work commitments. Loss and grief feel awful, but it strips away the noise; what is left behind is something quieter, but much, much stronger.
Final Thoughts
Mel’s mentorship reminded me that the true measure of success lies in the impact we have on others, inspiring, guiding, and uplifting those we encounter on our journey.
So, why does this matter to you? The lessons I’ve learned from Mel are universal. They serve as a reminder that in our pursuit of business success, we must not lose sight of our core values, our faith, and the people who journey with us.
Continue building, not just better businesses, but richer lives.
In memory of Mel Kaario, friend, mentor, dreamer, doer. You can learn more about his work and spirit here.
Author: Niall McGinnity, CEO @ Nuvem9
Main Image Credit: Photo by Annie Spratt
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